No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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