i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
