My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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