you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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