I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
