im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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