Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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