I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
