god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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