You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
