i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
