Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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