Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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