Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
