k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I look better un-naked...
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
