I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
