i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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