do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
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