I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
