she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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