I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
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