I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
