The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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