I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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