Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
foreskin is a definite game changer
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
