hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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