she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
FUCK WHALES
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
