Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
