I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
