so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
