I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
