My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Still dying that you shit outside
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
