My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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