I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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