U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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