This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize