His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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