How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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