It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
