i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
