she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
