I wish I could teleport
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
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