I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Every concussion has its silver lining
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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