peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
