In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
