I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
