I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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