Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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