the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
