did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
