dude i'm inner monologue high
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
