Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
